BDSM and intimacy

The power of BDSM extends to many aspects relating to the physical, the spiritual, the intellectual and the relational. Many very well written books and articles are widely available, and an equally impressive number of articles are focused on how BDSM can be a real revelation for individuals as well as couples. A common theme that runs through many of the readings one can find is intimacy. More specifically, on how BDSM, beyond enhancing intimacy in couples, opens new doors and actually redefines the very concept of intimacy.

Intimacy, however, is not only a matter of inter-personal relationship dynamics. It begins with the self, and BDSM, in this respect, is truly powerful. We often relegate our self to the background, almost as a ‘residual’ aspect of social interactions. This leads to lack of dialogue with the self, and more often than not, loss of power and fading of identity. In our healing work, we always deal with individuals who have lost touch with their self/ves (naturally, the individual has the capacity of embodying many identities. More on that in the next lines). It is a pattern that always emerges. Many, if not all of our clients suffer from this disconnection, this loss of intimacy with their self. Our healing work often starts with helping the individual reconnect and nurture intimacy with him/herself. Engaging in dialogue with oneself is fundamental, and it can be done through various pathways, like meditation. This is the foundation of understanding what type of sub or dom/me energies they are able to harness and this leads to the understanding of their own preferences and inclinations in the physical, psychological and spiritual dimensions. We often have different types of energies flowing in us, each type being analogous to a form of identity. In the dynamic matrix of BDSM identities, for example, I have different animal archetypes within myself, each manifesting differently. Cultivating intimacy with oneself will naturally open doors to the growth of intimacy with respect to another/others.

Beyond the self, BDSM can be, and very often is a magnificent catalyst for the redefinition of intimacy. Just being in D/S dynamics represents a unique form of intimacy. The power exchange, for both the Dom/me and the sub, is quite formidable. The sub, surrendering him/herself to the Domme, gifting him/her the power and responsibility of ownership; the Domme, knowing he/she is owning his/her slave. If we add accessories like collars to the equation, we have a beautiful recipe of transforming even the most basic events to pure eroticism. Having a coffee in public with the slave wearing an ownership collar has the potential of generating the deepest emotions. The intimacy of sharing something special and unique can be valuable in strengthening the bonds between the Dom/me and sub. We have seen couples completely transform when they chose to step into the universe of BDSM.

The same applies to play. Even though The Emperor and I harness dominant energies for the professional aspect, we are essentially switches in our couple (it is actually more complex than that, beyond the labels but I will express it this way for now. More on this in a future post). Each play session is an opportunity for us to honour each other and the trust, the intimacy and flow of energy are absolutely beautiful. When I gift The Emperor with pain play, the look in his eyes is enough to make me lose control and melt away. I know I completely own him, and he trusts me to bare everything down to the bones.

During CBT, for example, his whimpers, cries, reactions and moans are all so powerful in nourishing this unique relationship we share. I know only I can witness and receive all of him, and BDSM has provided us a space for complete expression. The same applies when we switch.

Again, it is impossible to do justice to the aspect of intimacy in just one blog post. However, it is a fact that BDSM is a beautiful doorway to not only discover and consolidate intimacy, be it within the self or with others, but to completely redefine it.

4 thoughts on “BDSM and intimacy

  1. Reblogged this on dave94015 and commented:
    There is that moment in pain-play when the male submissive whimpers, cries, moans and reacts, a moment which reveals his innermost trust in his dominant. This power exchange between the dominant and the submissive strengthens their bonds. When the slave wears an ownership collar, ordinary events bring out the deepest emotions.

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    1. Thank you for reblogging. Always appreciated. And, yes, this exchange is such a powerful element in the Dom/me-Sub bond that can lead to furthering intense intimacy and emotional freedom

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You have eloquently described what for me (with my psych training) is a variation of Transactional analysis (TA) that involve ‘ego-states’ to our ‘personality, that converse with one another in ‘transactions’. The role of dominant and submissive are ego states that engage in transactions (such as bdsm session play or lifestyle D/s) between the self and others. This is especially important in “switching” where a dominant could easily assume the role of a submissive and the reverse. The bdsm “old guard” may be skeptical, but I think this is a way of getting in touch with one’s entire range of personas. Well written!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your brilliant analysis. This is exactly how it is, and I believe a large part of the therapeutic value of BDSM lies in how we can make peace with and give space to these personas so that they can harmoniously express themselves. Do you know of any research papers that have been written on this topic in the context of BDSM? The potential of BDSM as a topic for multidisciplinary research is immense, and the scarcity of resources is quite saddening

      Liked by 1 person

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